Year in Review/Wow I’m late on this one

So 2013 has come and gone and it’s a new year. And we are about 5 days into the new year. (I know I’m totally late on this post but hey life happens right?)

2013 was a big year. A year of total and complete change and growth and new direction. I started the year out signing up for Twitter. I thought I knew it all and I just wanted to stir the pot and just be a complete butthole (I am trying my best to not curse but forgive me if I do…I am imperfect). I was at a job I didn’t really like, in school full time, in a long distance relationship, and living with my parents.

Halfway through the year I went to Greece, left the job I didn’t like, continued school full time, was much nicer on social media, had my boyfriend living in the same town as me, still living at my parents.

In the last three months of 2013, I got engaged, got a job I never thought I’d like or have, had a quiet time on social media, moved in with my fiance, and still am in school full time.

Basically the one thing that didn’t change at all was the fact that I am still in school full time. That and I don’t regret my decision to place my son with his adoptive family. At all. It was necessary.

Anyways:

2013 overall was a good year: a year full of lots of change but overall good. As I face this new year I see many more changes and opportunities to grow in my future. In 2014 I plan to be more intentional in all aspects of my live and be a bit more disciplined than I ever have been. You see I’m finally in a stage of life where I really do make my decisions for me and for the future I want to see happen.

Lastly in this post (cause I don’t want to go into too much depth as this is an unplanned post and I’m just going with the flow which to be honest I’ve never been good at…yay?) I want to say thank you. Thank you to Claudia, Deanna, Reenie, Martha, Jay, Justin, Liz, Lisa, Bryan, and all of you who I interact with on twitter. Seriously you guys have opened my eyes and my heart and have made me a better person in 2013. You have changed my life for the better and I am excited to see what this new year will bring.

Also (haha you thought I was done! :P) I want to thank K and G for the love and support and trust they have given me and continue to give me. I’m also so thankful for K’s mom (she’s seriously awesome-sauce). I honestly and truly don’t know who I’d be without you or what I’d do without you. The acceptance and love I have received from you has been unconditional and I am able and want to be completely honest and open with you about myself and my life. I’m getting teary eyed and choked up writing this because my emotions for you are so strong. LOVE YOU!!!

I hope all of your New Year’s are going well 🙂 (yes I do have goals for the new year but not sure if I’m going to share them here or not…keep checking for more posts because I am actually gonna be more consistent wow imagine that :P).

From us to you!

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I Knew

Had a conversation recently on twitter with another birthmother and an adult adoptee from an open adoption. It was more or less a conversation on relationships and was based off the same birthmother’s blog post about her struggles, etc. This brought up for me emotions and thoughts about my own relationship with my son.

I just want to make something very clear to everyone. When it comes to my sons adoption, NO ONE will tell me or my son how he feels about it. You do not know my son, and even if you did you cannot tell me how he will react emotionally to anything. Please keep those types of opinions to yourself because they are not welcome. I can’t tell you how my son feels so YOU most certainly cannot. This includes positive and negative emotions and thoughts.

With that being said, for those of you who don’t know my story (and that’s most of you) don’t judge me. You didn’t live what I lived. You weren’t in the same situation and you don’t know.

With all that being said (sorry I had to for myself) I am going to be saying a few things that many of you won’t like.

I don’t regret the decision that I made to place my son for adoption.

I was not coerced or lied to in making my decision.

I knew going in that the adoption could be closed at any time.

I knew I would go through depression and grief.

I knew going in that my son could very well hate me in the future however the risk of keeping him with me outweighed that.

Let that last one sink in for a bit. Maybe it’ll give you a clue about what was going on. The harm that he would go through with me outweighed the harm of being placed for adoption.

My son has every right to ask me anything. I have the responsibility to answer for my actions to him.  I don’t have to answer to any of the rest of you. My son is the only one who matters on this earth when it comes to his adoption. And I have accepted the fact that whatever the outcome, whatever he feels or thinks is ok. No matter what he does or says I will be there for him, I will love him to the best of my ability.

I knew.

And I have to accept the consequences, whatever they may be.

Being a Christ follower and yet Anti-Adoption

Alright now I can’t answer this subject in a blog post- the subject matter is way to complex and others have explained this so much better (look for Adoptee Restoration and Musings of the Lame)

So I have just recently (as in last night) had a discussion or a trading of comments on facebook. The story was about two women brought together with a Life bracelet. The one woman considering abortion decided instead to parent. It was a wonderful story full of tears and joy. The very first comment is “perhaps an even better ending to the story…baby is adopted to parents who yearn for a child”. First response is why? why would that be a better ending? The story was fine as is. Why does the child being adopted make it better? So I ask that in a not so diplomatic way and say hey not trying to offend but really thinking umm wtf?

I tell my boyfriend about this and he immediately warns me that I’m going into bulldog mode and need to remember that social media is not the way to convince someone. I agreed and responded a few more times especially when she goes on to state that it is better through research and God’s plan that each and every child be raised by a two parent home. The last thing i read before blocking her (if i don’t i’ll keep responding, sorry i’m not great at stopping myself when I’m in bulldog mode) is that she is a birthmother who placed her son over 42 years ago and has reunited with him and everything is hunky dory. (I also realize in reading what she says is that she did not have an open adoption). Basically she assumes that being raised by a single mother is more traumatic then being taken away from your biological roots and being in a closed adoption for your whole life until you’ve reached an age you want to meet your biological parents.

Made me angry. Especially when I think about adult adoptees who speak out about their pain and the single moms i know who are doing a spectacular job with their kids. And the assumption that you know God’s will.

God doesn’t have one solution for every problem.

Not in this fallen world. Maybe in His perfect world but guess what that’s not where we live.

I am a Christ follower but I don’t assume that I know what God’s will is or that one way is better than another.

I do know that how adoption is today is NOT what God wants. Secrets and lies have no place at all in His kingdom on earth or in heaven (which could be more earthly than some ethereal thing, I don’t know He does).

I do know that adoptees who state their pain and share it with the world need to be listened to.

I know that adoptive parents who adopt to fulfill and satisfy their own needs is against everything I stand for and everything I stand against.

Adoption is NOT to fulfill the needs of an adult. EVER!

I’m Reminded

This summer has been the absolute best summer of my life.

Hands down.

The Best.

You may be wondering why has this summer been the best summer? (also why are you up past midnight when you have so much stuff to do…or you may not but oh well)

First question: This has been the best summer because I have spent several weekends and a few days with my son and my family (yes his adoptive family is my family too). He knows who I am, my name and we have a connection that cannot be explained other than the fact that he is my son. My relationship with K&G (his parents) has grown and I can be honest in saying that they are like siblings to me and role models. I love them dearly and I know that they care very much for me. I am honest with them and I know that they are honest with me. It’s refreshing to talk with them and just be a family.

While I’m completely honest in saying that this has been the best summer ever, I can also honestly say that the hardest part for me has been saying goodbye. The hardest thing ever was when I flew up and then had to fly home. I had to hold back the tears because I didn’t want to leave them. At all. Then when I just recently saw them my son asked me if I was coming back with them to where they live and I had to say no. I wish I could’ve said yes.

Most people reading the above paragraph would assume that I am now going to say that I regret my decision and I wish I hadn’t made the choice I had.

But I won’t.

Because I don’t regret my decision.

This has been the best summer ever. Even with the hard parts. Cause here’s the thing. My son is safe. He is loved by more than one set of family (four in fact: two sets of birthfamilies and two sets of adoptive families; I count each side of the two sets of parents; if you’re confused…sorry). He will always have the truth. He is not abandoned. He has his origins. He is connected.

Will he have issues?

Maybe. But who doesn’t?

He will have answers and he will have help sorting through his identity and any issues that come up.

I’m reminded that love is difficult and complex and that I have gained so much from my son and his adoptive family. So much that I don’t call them the adoptive family; they are my family. More so than anyone can realize. I’m reminded of pain and how much it can suck but how much joy and happiness I can feel because I have quit numbing myself. I’m reminded how hurt so many people are by adoption and how many people are blessed. I’m reminded of how screwed up humanity is and yet how beautiful God can make us.