Year in Review/Wow I’m late on this one

So 2013 has come and gone and it’s a new year. And we are about 5 days into the new year. (I know I’m totally late on this post but hey life happens right?)

2013 was a big year. A year of total and complete change and growth and new direction. I started the year out signing up for Twitter. I thought I knew it all and I just wanted to stir the pot and just be a complete butthole (I am trying my best to not curse but forgive me if I do…I am imperfect). I was at a job I didn’t really like, in school full time, in a long distance relationship, and living with my parents.

Halfway through the year I went to Greece, left the job I didn’t like, continued school full time, was much nicer on social media, had my boyfriend living in the same town as me, still living at my parents.

In the last three months of 2013, I got engaged, got a job I never thought I’d like or have, had a quiet time on social media, moved in with my fiance, and still am in school full time.

Basically the one thing that didn’t change at all was the fact that I am still in school full time. That and I don’t regret my decision to place my son with his adoptive family. At all. It was necessary.

Anyways:

2013 overall was a good year: a year full of lots of change but overall good. As I face this new year I see many more changes and opportunities to grow in my future. In 2014 I plan to be more intentional in all aspects of my live and be a bit more disciplined than I ever have been. You see I’m finally in a stage of life where I really do make my decisions for me and for the future I want to see happen.

Lastly in this post (cause I don’t want to go into too much depth as this is an unplanned post and I’m just going with the flow which to be honest I’ve never been good at…yay?) I want to say thank you. Thank you to Claudia, Deanna, Reenie, Martha, Jay, Justin, Liz, Lisa, Bryan, and all of you who I interact with on twitter. Seriously you guys have opened my eyes and my heart and have made me a better person in 2013. You have changed my life for the better and I am excited to see what this new year will bring.

Also (haha you thought I was done! :P) I want to thank K and G for the love and support and trust they have given me and continue to give me. I’m also so thankful for K’s mom (she’s seriously awesome-sauce). I honestly and truly don’t know who I’d be without you or what I’d do without you. The acceptance and love I have received from you has been unconditional and I am able and want to be completely honest and open with you about myself and my life. I’m getting teary eyed and choked up writing this because my emotions for you are so strong. LOVE YOU!!!

I hope all of your New Year’s are going well 🙂 (yes I do have goals for the new year but not sure if I’m going to share them here or not…keep checking for more posts because I am actually gonna be more consistent wow imagine that :P).

From us to you!

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Becoming Me

I haven’t been me. It’s taking me over almost 25 years to find me and even then I’m still searching.

Today I went to therapy.

And it’s freeing cause 1 I didn’t go to traditional talk therapy cause I’ve been there done that. I’m talked out about my issues and my problems. Today was freeing and I’ll be going back next week and every week for a little bit. Now the therapy I’m trying may seem hokey but it’s definitely good for those of you who are able to be insightful and know yourselves a little. Cause I know my triggers, I know my anger, I know my fears, I know what makes me happy and what makes me sad. I know what I need to work on but at the same time I need some guidance and honestly I decided to try something new.

There’s this thing called Evox. It goes through a process called perception reframing.

And its interesting and different and honestly I like the way it made me feel.

Not only did the process feel different and kinda cool but being able to say how I felt about my relationships and figuring out the TransGenerational patterns is fascinating and helpful to me. Also being able to talk with an LCSW about it all made it that much better.

Cause perception is everything. Life is what you make of it. And in my relationships I tend to assume what people mean instead of actually seeing them for who they are and their heart. Yes boundaries are good- but so is accepting someone for who they really are- mess and all. So the realization that hit me is that my issues with my family (mom,dad, grandparents) aren’t so much the day to day arguments or mess but it’s my perception of myself and of what they mean. I react to the situation. And not in a good way.

So here I go on a journey of self discovery and healing (somewhat) and of learning to love people even with all the mess. And for the first time in, well, ever I feel like me.

 

Opening the Box- Pt 2

In line with my other posts (I promise they’re all related), including My Hero, I want to now go back to what/who broke my heart and shattered my world.

 

2007

This was the year I met him. I was 18 and that summer I had broken up with my first “real” boyfriend (the one my parents knew about) and I got a job in order to earn some money before going off to college. I started a job at Universal Studios- at the roller coaster, Dueling Dragons. I met a few girls and some guys that were nice and I became friends with a few people. At that time, there were a few church groups from out of state working for the summer. I became friends with one group from I believe Tennessee.

One night, a fellow employee invited all of us to the Hard Rock Hotel to see her boyfriend play music. I of course wanted to hang out with my new found friends 🙂

When getting the whole group together I heard some of the guys mentioning waiting for someone. When that person arrived, I looked up and met these gorgeous eyes. It was like fireworks. All of a sudden my world changed and I was drawn like a moth to flames.

And then my nerves kicked in, I was extremely nervous and anxious inside. However I did my best to conceal my feelings.

We all arrainged who was riding with who and this guy, G.D.V, sat in the front seat of my car. We drove to the hotel (which wasn’t far from where we worked) and I did my awkward flirt with this handsome guy.

The music was good but I knew I needed to head home soon because my parents would be worried if I stayed out late. As I was saying my goodbyes, G.D.V. asked if I would be willing to drive him home. My stomach lurched and I was excited to say yes and spend time with him.

As we were walking out to the car I remember flirting like crazy. We got to the car and fireworks started to go off in the distance. It was magical.

I drove him home and when we parked I leaned in to give him a hug goodbye. He bit (playfully) my cheek and I remember laughing and saying what are you doing????

He laughed and I don’t remember the exact words he said but he kissed me that night.

He went into his apartment and I drove home.

Little did either of us know what our journey would be.

My Hero- Pt 2

Well here’s part 2 of a series on my relationship with the man i’m engaged to. I ended the last post with our first meeting 🙂

So on that same night- everyone decided that we all wanted smores (of course) so My Hero and I decided that hey we will go get them (and his friend/acquaintance decided to come with us). So off we drive to WalMart.

For those of you who don’t know me (everyone lol) I am a shy person in real life. I’m not the life of the party, I’m not a good flirt at all, I’m awkward and weird and nerdy and insecure and serious. I don’t get jokes that often, I’m very literal, etc.

Anyways, that night I was as myself as I could be at the time, except a little more outgoing because for some reason I felt comfortable and totally attracted to this guy. It was something I hadn’t felt and I was enjoying the feeling. I was crazy in WalMart trying to smell out where the marshmellows were because we could not find anything!

We finally got everything and got back to the party and were just hanging out and for the first time in a year, I felt ok. I felt normal. I felt accepted.

When it came time to say goodbye, My Hero did not ask for my number- one of his friends did! They had a whiteboard in their kitchen and so trying to be cutesy I wrote my number upside down on the whiteboard. My Hero walked me to my car and the last thing he said was “Night love” (or something to that effect-all I really remember is him calling me love and me being surprised and a bit weirded out by it).

Sure enough the next day as I’m training with my personal trainer Hector, I get a text from My Hero asking if I had left my jacket at his house. I smiled and giggled and answered him that no I hadn’t and we started talking. He graduated from FullSail and went back up north for a few months. We talked nonstop for those two months. Texting led to phone calls that led to skype and we soon knew details about each other and it was amazing.

During this time he told me that he loved me as a friend. I hadn’t heard the L word in any context from a guy since my ex (my sons birthfather). I freaked out. I talked to our mutual friend and explained that I couldn’t hear the L word in any context because I was still so hurt. Our friend told me to talk to him and I did. And he didn’t run away, he didn’t call me crazy. He simply understood and cared about me through it. He never said the L word till it was a different context. You see, I had already fallen for him.

Here’s the essence of our story (from my perspective)

I was a broken mirror- my heart and soul shattered into little tiny pieces. And as I’m trying to put myself together again, along comes a kind, compassionate, selfless, loving man who has helped me, slowly, put the pieces back together. He’s gotten cut and has bled but he has stuck by me and has loved me as I never imagined I would ever be loved.

Why has he stuck around this long?

He loves me.

My Hero-Pt 1

For those of you who don’t know I am engaged to a wonderful man who I will refer to as My Hero. We have been together now for almost 5 years and I am absolutely amazed that he has stuck around this long.

When we first met, I had placed my son for adoption only 3 months prior. We met because a mutual friend wanted to set us up. I wasn’t a fan, mainly I was worried he would look like our friend and our friend was not my type at all. I was in a rough spot where I was depressed, low self worth, filled with shame, mistrust, etc. But I decided it wouldn’t be bad to meet some new people and get out of the house.

My Hero was throwing a huge housewarming party with his three other roommates (who happen to be awesome guys to this day!). I was nervous and shy and I was awkward (which is the norm for me). I took a seat outside on a couch (after being introduced to everyone including my hero). I was surrounded by other people who began to have a political discussion. I weighed in with my opinion and I began to discuss. After a few minutes, My Hero sits next to me on the couch and says hi! I look at him, I say hi and then proceed to tell him that I just recently placed my son for adoption. In my head I’m yelling at myself that that’s the stupidest thing to say and ugh! he will run far far away. Instead he answers, “ok” and we continue on a conversation that I don’t remember.

My immediate impression was wow, he’s still talking to me even with the source of my issues out there in the open. And that was the start of our relationship.

There’s a lot more to our relationship and I think I’m going to explore that for the next few posts as we begin a new phase of our relationship.

Opening the Box- Pt 1

Also real quick: I’m participating in BlogHer’s NaBloPoMo this month! Yay!

So in line with my life changes, I am doing a journaling class about adoption. And this week we are supposed to go through our “boxes” and bring stuff to the surface. Yay emotions.

So I want to share the first letter I found (I put all letters in one place a while ago) Most are from my mother however I have one from a family friend who has known me since before I was born. So here it is..5 years later- and I’ll do another post on my reaction because while I appreciate the end goal and what this woman was telling me- I can’t help but be taken aback at some of the wording..

Dearest Sabo(pronounced Say-boo),

Knowing that this time is the most difficult time you’ve had to face in your young life, I know that you sit squarely in our God’s hands. You were given an opportunity that the vast majority of people, even those who call themselves Christian, simply refuse to consider. You unashamedly made the decision to walk in Agape.

Agape is incapable of self consideration; the only goal of Agape is to do whatever is best for the one “this love” is directed towards. While we all have said that we love someone, what we’re really saying is that we “enjoy the feelings/emotions” in us for this person. When our feelings change towards this person, we then claim that I don’t love them anymore, when the truth is- we never did ‘love’ them.

Agape is Spirit, what Agape is NOT are our feelings/emotions.

Parenthood is an excellent example of Agape, and you’ve had the best models in your parents. They have always done what they thought was best for you. They refused to let your or anyone else’s reactions interfere or distract them from their goal of adequately preparing you for life’s journey in this world. Your parents understood that you were not theirs to do as they pleased but that you are a gift from God.

From what I see today, it’s very evident that they’ve done a fantastic job, for you also have chosen to do what is best for your Gift from God.

I hope you understand how courageous your decision was. I’ve spoken with dozens of people the last few weeks and most have a difficult time with your side of adoption. They realize what an incredible, miraculous gift an infant is to a childless couple, so being on the ‘receiving’ end of the gift is easy. What people struggle with is the ‘giving’ end of the equation. But how can we forget that in order for one to be blessed, another one volunteered to make a supreme sacrifice.

While it takes courage to acknowledge a mistake, it takes incredible courage to admit that someone else should shoulder the burden.

After 911 we’ve seen all kinds of sayings about heros, who they are and what they do. Today I declare a new definition: A young lady is honest enough to admit to the truth about herself and then dares to walk in that truth- you go girl!!

I Knew

Had a conversation recently on twitter with another birthmother and an adult adoptee from an open adoption. It was more or less a conversation on relationships and was based off the same birthmother’s blog post about her struggles, etc. This brought up for me emotions and thoughts about my own relationship with my son.

I just want to make something very clear to everyone. When it comes to my sons adoption, NO ONE will tell me or my son how he feels about it. You do not know my son, and even if you did you cannot tell me how he will react emotionally to anything. Please keep those types of opinions to yourself because they are not welcome. I can’t tell you how my son feels so YOU most certainly cannot. This includes positive and negative emotions and thoughts.

With that being said, for those of you who don’t know my story (and that’s most of you) don’t judge me. You didn’t live what I lived. You weren’t in the same situation and you don’t know.

With all that being said (sorry I had to for myself) I am going to be saying a few things that many of you won’t like.

I don’t regret the decision that I made to place my son for adoption.

I was not coerced or lied to in making my decision.

I knew going in that the adoption could be closed at any time.

I knew I would go through depression and grief.

I knew going in that my son could very well hate me in the future however the risk of keeping him with me outweighed that.

Let that last one sink in for a bit. Maybe it’ll give you a clue about what was going on. The harm that he would go through with me outweighed the harm of being placed for adoption.

My son has every right to ask me anything. I have the responsibility to answer for my actions to him.  I don’t have to answer to any of the rest of you. My son is the only one who matters on this earth when it comes to his adoption. And I have accepted the fact that whatever the outcome, whatever he feels or thinks is ok. No matter what he does or says I will be there for him, I will love him to the best of my ability.

I knew.

And I have to accept the consequences, whatever they may be.