Year in Review/Wow I’m late on this one

So 2013 has come and gone and it’s a new year. And we are about 5 days into the new year. (I know I’m totally late on this post but hey life happens right?)

2013 was a big year. A year of total and complete change and growth and new direction. I started the year out signing up for Twitter. I thought I knew it all and I just wanted to stir the pot and just be a complete butthole (I am trying my best to not curse but forgive me if I do…I am imperfect). I was at a job I didn’t really like, in school full time, in a long distance relationship, and living with my parents.

Halfway through the year I went to Greece, left the job I didn’t like, continued school full time, was much nicer on social media, had my boyfriend living in the same town as me, still living at my parents.

In the last three months of 2013, I got engaged, got a job I never thought I’d like or have, had a quiet time on social media, moved in with my fiance, and still am in school full time.

Basically the one thing that didn’t change at all was the fact that I am still in school full time. That and I don’t regret my decision to place my son with his adoptive family. At all. It was necessary.

Anyways:

2013 overall was a good year: a year full of lots of change but overall good. As I face this new year I see many more changes and opportunities to grow in my future. In 2014 I plan to be more intentional in all aspects of my live and be a bit more disciplined than I ever have been. You see I’m finally in a stage of life where I really do make my decisions for me and for the future I want to see happen.

Lastly in this post (cause I don’t want to go into too much depth as this is an unplanned post and I’m just going with the flow which to be honest I’ve never been good at…yay?) I want to say thank you. Thank you to Claudia, Deanna, Reenie, Martha, Jay, Justin, Liz, Lisa, Bryan, and all of you who I interact with on twitter. Seriously you guys have opened my eyes and my heart and have made me a better person in 2013. You have changed my life for the better and I am excited to see what this new year will bring.

Also (haha you thought I was done! :P) I want to thank K and G for the love and support and trust they have given me and continue to give me. I’m also so thankful for K’s mom (she’s seriously awesome-sauce). I honestly and truly don’t know who I’d be without you or what I’d do without you. The acceptance and love I have received from you has been unconditional and I am able and want to be completely honest and open with you about myself and my life. I’m getting teary eyed and choked up writing this because my emotions for you are so strong. LOVE YOU!!!

I hope all of your New Year’s are going well 🙂 (yes I do have goals for the new year but not sure if I’m going to share them here or not…keep checking for more posts because I am actually gonna be more consistent wow imagine that :P).

From us to you!

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Boring

That’s what I am most of the time. Just plain, simple boring. I’m not the life of the party or the person who stands out the most. I’m in the background, like to be on the down low (lol I probably just used that wrong), I like quiet, I like just sitting on the couch watching TV or watching My Hero play video games. I love having a sanctuary.

Today was another boring day yet filled with excitement. Wedding plans are underway and I’m feeling much more secure and not as nervous. As My Hero and I talked about it, it’s like waves of nervousness and anxiousness. Both of us are so excited to be going on this new journey in life and yet it’s scary. It’s unknown (for me that’s terrifying)

Anyways we just spent the day together putting our apartment together, seeing what we need, designing furniture, etc. All in all an awesome day.

So why am I still up? Well one, I hadn’t written anything today and I really needed to because I’m trying to stay on track for NaBloPoMo and two cause I am signing up for next semester’s classes at midnight. Yes you read that right. I’m signing up for classes at midnight so I can get the professor I want for internship. There’s only 8 spots and I intend to have one of them. I will NOT spend next semester in a class that I do not learn anything. And so here I wait for the next 17 minutes. Go by faster time!!

A little different today

So today’s post is not going to be the normal. It’s not necessarily about me but it is. If that makes any sense. (honestly though I don’t know why so many of you read my blog but thanks!!)

I’ve recently discovered the site- theworkofthepeople.com- and let me tell you it is transformational. Seriously. I have especially found videos done by Richard Rohr to be enlightening and perfect.

Here’s one of his videos http://www.theworkofthepeople.com/meaningful-truth

I have decided that part of my journey is to find again the fundamentals of my faith. To start I am going to memorize the Nicene Creed. (I like tradition and while not all traditions are ok- I believe that some are helpful for worship) For those of you who don’t know the Nicene Creed here it is:

I believe in one God, the Father Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth, and of all things visible and invisible.

And in one Lord Jesus Christ, the only-begotten Son of God, begotten of the Father before all worlds; God of God, Light of Light, very God of very God; begotten, not made, being of one substance with the Father, by whom all things were made.

Who, for us men for our salvation, came down from heaven, and was incarnate by the Holy Spirit of the virgin Mary, and was made man; and was crucified also for us under Pontius Pilate; He suffered and was buried; and the third day He rose again, according to the Scriptures; and ascended into heaven, and sits on the right hand of the Father; and He shall come again, with glory, to judge the quick and the dead; whose kingdom shall have no end.

And I believe in the Holy Ghost, the Lord and Giver of Life; who proceeds from the Father [and the Son]; who with the Father and the Son together is worshipped and glorified; who spoke by the prophets.

And I believe one holy catholic and apostolic Church. I acknowledge one baptism for the remission of sins; and I look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come. Amen.

While I’m not Catholic, I don’t find in these words anything judgmental or moralistic. There’s not if you do this your bad, or your views have to be this, or anything like that. It is simply the fundamental belief of Christianity. You may not agree with what I’m saying and that’s ok. Challenge away, doubt, wrestle with your beliefs and what is triggering to you in this because guess what- God is OK with it. I cannot wait to begin to rediscover my faith. Starting with the fundamentals.

Becoming Me

I haven’t been me. It’s taking me over almost 25 years to find me and even then I’m still searching.

Today I went to therapy.

And it’s freeing cause 1 I didn’t go to traditional talk therapy cause I’ve been there done that. I’m talked out about my issues and my problems. Today was freeing and I’ll be going back next week and every week for a little bit. Now the therapy I’m trying may seem hokey but it’s definitely good for those of you who are able to be insightful and know yourselves a little. Cause I know my triggers, I know my anger, I know my fears, I know what makes me happy and what makes me sad. I know what I need to work on but at the same time I need some guidance and honestly I decided to try something new.

There’s this thing called Evox. It goes through a process called perception reframing.

And its interesting and different and honestly I like the way it made me feel.

Not only did the process feel different and kinda cool but being able to say how I felt about my relationships and figuring out the TransGenerational patterns is fascinating and helpful to me. Also being able to talk with an LCSW about it all made it that much better.

Cause perception is everything. Life is what you make of it. And in my relationships I tend to assume what people mean instead of actually seeing them for who they are and their heart. Yes boundaries are good- but so is accepting someone for who they really are- mess and all. So the realization that hit me is that my issues with my family (mom,dad, grandparents) aren’t so much the day to day arguments or mess but it’s my perception of myself and of what they mean. I react to the situation. And not in a good way.

So here I go on a journey of self discovery and healing (somewhat) and of learning to love people even with all the mess. And for the first time in, well, ever I feel like me.

 

Pheww

I survived another day! I found a wedding venue, established a profile on wedding.com which will be helpful in planning, so up next is wedding binder and budget!

Phew weight off my chest 🙂 I’m still anxious and nervous yet ready to be married. As odd as that sounds.

Sorry my post today and yesterday aren’t all that inspired but this is life.

I realized today that I need to deal with my issues with my mom. I really don’t want to. Because I know that shes done the best for me and I know her heart is good but I have issues. So going to explore it myself and then go to therapy. Cause I need it. I need to work it out myself before I can approach her with it. Suffice to say (for this post) that she was overprotective, a bit controlling (shes gotten tons better) and believes that she is always right when it comes to our relationship and how she acts. So yea I need to figure this out.

Taking a Break

So today has been nuts- I’ve now been up since 4:40AM EST. Yup cause I had to work till 2 and then went to dinner and wedding planning with my mom and sister.

I have issues with my mom- I haven’t fully dealt with all my emotions and thoughts surrounding us- it’s definitely something I need to work on but right this second I really really don’t want to.

And so while I’ve gotten comfort and wisdom from friends and My Hero- I’m still not sure where I stand or what I’m going to do. I think it might be delirium talking right now but I have to face all this stuff someday.

With a post that obviously makes no sense, I’m now going to go to bed.

Feel all the feels- NOT

Taking a break for the night

Opening the Box- Pt 2

In line with my other posts (I promise they’re all related), including My Hero, I want to now go back to what/who broke my heart and shattered my world.

 

2007

This was the year I met him. I was 18 and that summer I had broken up with my first “real” boyfriend (the one my parents knew about) and I got a job in order to earn some money before going off to college. I started a job at Universal Studios- at the roller coaster, Dueling Dragons. I met a few girls and some guys that were nice and I became friends with a few people. At that time, there were a few church groups from out of state working for the summer. I became friends with one group from I believe Tennessee.

One night, a fellow employee invited all of us to the Hard Rock Hotel to see her boyfriend play music. I of course wanted to hang out with my new found friends 🙂

When getting the whole group together I heard some of the guys mentioning waiting for someone. When that person arrived, I looked up and met these gorgeous eyes. It was like fireworks. All of a sudden my world changed and I was drawn like a moth to flames.

And then my nerves kicked in, I was extremely nervous and anxious inside. However I did my best to conceal my feelings.

We all arrainged who was riding with who and this guy, G.D.V, sat in the front seat of my car. We drove to the hotel (which wasn’t far from where we worked) and I did my awkward flirt with this handsome guy.

The music was good but I knew I needed to head home soon because my parents would be worried if I stayed out late. As I was saying my goodbyes, G.D.V. asked if I would be willing to drive him home. My stomach lurched and I was excited to say yes and spend time with him.

As we were walking out to the car I remember flirting like crazy. We got to the car and fireworks started to go off in the distance. It was magical.

I drove him home and when we parked I leaned in to give him a hug goodbye. He bit (playfully) my cheek and I remember laughing and saying what are you doing????

He laughed and I don’t remember the exact words he said but he kissed me that night.

He went into his apartment and I drove home.

Little did either of us know what our journey would be.