I’ve been told that the greatest period of change for person is from 18-20- I’d have to say 18-20something.
The past 6 years have been the most chaotic, life changing, hurtful, joyful, brutal, grueling of my entire life. I’m still reeling from everything that has happened and everything that will happen. The chaos hasn’t left my life, neither has the pain or the joy, and it isn’t going to leave anytime soon.
Looking back I can’t help but wonder, what if, but I can’t get stuck playing that game- that’s one regret I do have, playing that game. It’s insidious and will get inside your head and it will get you stuck. Stuck in the mud of the past.
I can’t go there.
I know that many people, probably many of you reading, don’t believe in God. That’s ok. I do and that’s ok too. I look back on the past 6 years of my life and I can see the hand of God in my life. Now let’s get this straight, I don’t believe God makes our decisions for us, He does allow us to make our own choices. Does he work through the ugly and the bad to produce good? Yes. Absolutely yes. And thats what He’s done for me. I don’t know what He’s planning next but I’ve learned to trust, to lean on Him for support.
If you had met me at 18, you wouldn’t have been my friend. I wasn’t that good of a person, I didn’t care about anyone else. I was manipulative, mean, self centered, a liar, a cheat, a con. I was in essence the very worst version of myself. I will not ever go back to that. I don’t think I could- Scratch that, I could go back to that, very easily, but I wont let myself.
18-19: I was at my darkest place. Depression had overcome me, despair. A Bible verse pulled me out, and I had to make sure my mom was ok. I placed my son in a loving family but I didn’t forget what pain I went through and what pain I was going through. My sons mom was so wonderful during that time- she and my mom coordinated (I was to withdrawn into myself to plan) and I saw my son for a few hours every month. That helped. Immensely. I was in school for my Bachelor’s in Social Work. I worked part time security (yup little ol’ me was a security guard). And I met a man who would change me.
19: Worst version of myself. Didn’t trust anyone, especially not guys. And you got it, I started dating. Someday I’ll tell our love story 🙂 but not now. Suffice to say after this year I don’t know why he stayed with me. I was awful.
20-24: While I could go into each year- all of them have parts that overlap. I was able to see my son often, his little brother was born. I opened up the adoption for the birthfather (yes I asked the adoptive parents if it was ok to and I recommended it. I was there the first time the birthfather, G, saw my son for the second time.) I dealt with the birthfather being angry and wanting nothing to do with me while he had a girlfriend then begging me to leave my boyfriend to be with him when he was single. I continued to date this new guy, KF, who has helped heal my heart and has made me such a better person. I have switched jobs from case manager, targeted case manager, little side jobs and now part time at a jail. Yes. A jail. I have strengthened friendships, made new friends and I have massively lost friends. 3 main people who I counted on and loved and had them go batshit crazy on me. (I need to screen people better). I graduated with my Bachelor’s in Social Work and am now in grad school for my Masters of Science in Counseling Psychology focusing on mental health.
Yup the past 6 years have been chaos.
But I wouldn’t trade a minute of it.
I have learned and grown so much. My heart is softer, more able to love than ever before. I am finally content in myself. I’m now surrounded by people who lift me up. I have a sense of purpose- of where I want to be and what I want to do and where I can make a small difference in this world.
The next few years are going to bring more change- engagements, marriages, career movement forward, graduations, lots of love, new family traditions, healthy boundaries, adventures.
Peace. Contentment. Pure Joy.
And as always just that little touch of chaos 🙂